Really a handful of seeds were planted.
Just before Christmas, I had a conversation with a spirit sibling of mine. Ja-mel explained that he and a friend make a mantra for every year with which they keep each other in check- I admired that savvy idea and decided to help him come up with one for 2016. Being that Ja-mels 2015 mantra was #NXTLVL (he worked it into his year, taking things to the next level in his life- immensely)- I thought “Grow and Show” was a good one to follow 2015’s mantra- and although he didn’t go through with using it, I did. Alone. That’s what this whole blog is for. Accountability.
In July I escaped the Big Apple for a few days in Tarzana, California. I took a mental break and re-evaluated where I was at after 4 weeks of feeling very disconnected from others and suffering from anxiety with a twitching eye every time I entered or thought of my job. It was obvious I needed to Tweak some things. So I thought about it all and pepped myself up to come back to NYC ready to change the things that I felt needed to change in order to start to align my mind, body, and spirit up with one another. First up was my body. Second was my job or career situation. Third was to work on my emotions more…. which I honestly feel I have been doing more than anything these past few years. Lost a few pounds and tightened up thanks t0 the writings of Scott Abel- Through the writings in Scotts 2 books on metabolism, I had a wakeup call and Bertha was dead.
Bertha? Yes. Dead. Bertha was the screaming overweight woman that lived inside of my stomach and insisted I eat whenever I felt emotional. I had given into her 100 too many times over the course of 2 years and was sick of feeling like I was living in someone else’s skin…. because how I felt in my skin did not match the mind I know I have. So. Balance.
Balance. As I arrived at LAX, I found a pair of wishbone earrings in the gift shop on my way to the terminal and decided that my cousin Casey and I would make a wish or prayer on one each and watch it show itself. I prayed for balance. Balance. I prayed for balance and everything that has unfolded ever since has been magical, kind of unexplainable- except that I really meant my wish and have paid attention to every thing that has come into my life and questioned whether or not they were something I believe played into a part of the greater good of my life or if I should walk in the other direction and avoid it altogether.
I got fired in september. LIBERATION. Freedom on a level I did not expect.
Fast forward through months of conversations, experiences, strange dreams, internal and external changes, hours- days- & weeks have passed by- now February is even behind us. March 1st marks day 1, week 6 of my training with naturally intense.
Naturally Intense is a fitness/personal training regiment, experience, and mind-f*ck by which very difficult, high intensity repetitions help you to build and sculpt your body, push yourself to a limit you didn’t think you could get to & notice the mental changes along the way- shall you be so bold to pay such close attention.
I am here. Here. Why not see what I am capable of while I am living here? I bought a 3 session package with Naturally Intense to see what it was all about after I had given one session a try a few months ago…. and I haven’t stopped training with Paula since. I decided that I was going to take the opportunity to see what I was capable of and write about it since being unemployed enables me to have a lot of free time (*and learn how to budget along the way) to do things that speak to my soul. Writing and expression of things that I am inspired by are a passion of mine and thought that this opportunity that lay before me needed to be something I immersed myself in- so that I could grow and show the world what seeds I could bring into fruition. Lessons. lessons.
Lesson number 1. This is all about me. Not about showing my fruits to anyone.Mantra crushed? Not so much… rather I am witnessing a change within me from almost an observers perspective- because I am starting to really be proud of myself and who I am in ways that I never allowed myself to celebrate because I was hiding and staying small to keep others comfortable. So I say the observer’s perspective because I’m very much in awe of how this is all unfolding and it hasn’t sunken in yet, it just feels different than what I am used to…. I am simply setting rules and goals for myself and following them. Then I amaze myself. The first month with Naturally Intense was all about showing up and being consistent. Something I hadn’t done in relation to fitness since I had weekly gymnastics classes in the third grade. I did it. I went to 19th street three times a week, on time, to work out and get a royal muscle beating from the Amazing Paula. I survived.
One month later and I am stronger than I was when I began, that’s for sure. It took me until last week to come up with a name-
Blooming Intentions is the message I wish to convey to any readers I may have.
I am setting intentions and watching how my thoughts become things.
I am growing and showing- welcome. I am turning into “JessiePushups” and I would like to say thank you to all of the influential people who I have shared space with since July. Thank you all for inspiring me in some way and being part of such a great time in my life. I will add any I may come to think of later.
–Mommom, although it sounds weird to say I am obsessed with you, there is no way for me to write this without getting emotional. Thank you for LOVE. Thank you. To think of you is to think of what keeps the world going. A woman’s love, dedication and appreciation for everyone she loves is what keeps the world running. The world needs to remember what a grandmother’s love feels like and reflect on that more often. To have a -grandmother like Mommom is to know what it is to be loved. Love is the truth.
–Dad, please stay. I need you. You’re my favorite fan to have in the stands and a piece of me is missing when you’re not cheering life on with me. I am glad you’re back. Let’s inspire each other to elevate a bit more. The game is just getting started. Everything else was a warm-up and pre-season training.
–Anthony, coining me as “Jessiepushups” was the beginning of a whole book of inspiring thoughts- and for that, I will always be grateful.
–Paula, For seeing an opportunity in me that I did not think you would see. When you asked me if I was in and told me I’d have to be dedicated and I verbally agreed to it… That moment was a new chapter for me. Thank you. Thank you for encouragement, an ear, a hug, and a push. Same goes for Kevin.
–Ja-mel, thank you for being a good ass person, listener, speaker, and inspiration through your own actions- it all means more to me that you may know. Thank you for being a spark to a new tradition I will carry with myself for the rest of my life. Yearly Mantras.
–Amanda, thank you for showing me a few things. First thank you for showing me how dope a friend can be, I am proud of the friendship we have grown together throughout the years. Thank you for being there and always working to understand me and help me understand myself. Thank you for your honesty. Same sing, onwee diffwent.
–Jay, The fact that you say I inspire you when I am so inspired by you is all the inspiration more and something I am truly grateful for. Thank you for always making me feel understood and appreciated. I look forward to sharing success stories with you in the future. I’ll pretend you kick ass at rap battles here. Just this once.
–Julieanna, thank you for being the most prime firsthand example I have of proof of “thoughts become reality” in my life. Your life and mind is an inspiration- I will forever be grateful for bearing witness to so much growth in someone who I felt I understood so much upon meeting. Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey. I will forever see you as a sister from another mister, misses, time and place in my path.
– Carolina, I am so grateful for your vulnerability and openness and inspiring self- the timing at which you have entered my life couldn’t have been any better. You have made me stronger through simple and meaningful conversations. Thank you. I am here for you. Broken crayons still color.
–Matt, Thank you for being the first person to make me feel open to dating and love again. Your instant friendship was right on time. Thank you.
–Pablo, I am thankful for your ability to make me feel normal, causing me to open enough to talk about things I experience on a spiritual and energetic level with other people. You have given me the strength to know that there are others who truly are like-minded to me and being different in that way is great, because there will be more who I connect with on that level, as there have been a few since meeting you. I don’t have to worry about making others uncomfortable and feeling misunderstood by some. thank you.
–Rae, you just get me, and I am taken back to the way that small children innocently have friends with no baggage, playful. You light that part of me up and fill me with glee, thank you.
–Lance, our talks will forever be something I regard as a child-like spark of life. Sharing space and ideas with you is one of the best treats in my life. Thank you for your humanity and comradery. Your sincere enthusiasm for life is something so contagious, you could use it to wake the dead.
-Linda Baer, Casey, Bianca, Lee, Bill, Steve, Julio, Becky, Dan, Chef Justin, Eric x2, Anyone who ever expressed gratitude toward me for inspiring them without even trying to aim my inspiration at you specifically- rather by simply being me…. thank you, sometimes that is all the strength I need when it comes to tough or dark times for me. We are all in this life together. Thank you to those of you who randomly pop up as a means to inspiration in my life which I feel I am not ready to mention you here because your absence makes me feel a tad insecure in our relationship and I don’t wish to risk sounding foolish- this realization is something to explore and I will work on that more in the future. Thank you Dance, Drawing, Music of all sorts, Yoga… Thank you neighbors. Thank you neighborhood. Thank you.
LET’S GET IT! GROW IT AND SHOW IT.