Here I am, just cooked dinner, reflecting on my erratic emotional state this past 36 hours while I mindlessly cook a chicken & quinoa dish.
At first I’m here being really hard on myself, thinking that I’m not doing enough although this is a constant go-go-go sort of life I have recently dove into. My thoughts went something like this “am I doing something wrong? Am I later going to decide this isn’t the career for me? Then what would I do? Oh! Shit! I am already planning a plan B & I can’t do that, I have to just focus on this, I have what it takes- what am I so afraid of? Ugh just think about cooking….” moments later… “Okay, (*as I sit to eat) what am I afraid of? Not succeeding at doing well? That’s crazy… At messing up some paperwork? It’s ok, I can call Yvette or another agent and they will talk me through things. Don’t feel like a bother. If I succeed, they succeed. Ok, wow I’m in a mindf*ck right now, I could really f*cking lose my shit right now, wow. What for? OK let me tweet this. I need to remember how I feel right now so I can laugh about it later when I realize how silly I was being.” Then I open twitter on my computer as I eat without paying attention to whether not I even enjoyed my meal.
I open twitter and just start typing:
this new career has my head in a warp of what the f*ckness. In a good way. i really enjoy it (what?) but the way of figuring out what works is-
like—shit this is my own gig so i get to plan this stuff myself and nobody is behind me tapping me on the bottom so i stumble (at this moment, I think of Paula and how she pushes me at the gym, she my bottom patter, I then realize & my whole attitude changes) accidentally…
…into this whole game…like- however i wanna do it & work it- its my choice and when am i going to feel like i figured it out or will i
..always be figuring it out bc ill have to constantly grow with the business in order to stay on top of it and ahead of the next guy before he even figures out his next move.
…is it always going to feel like this? just like my training with paula will never be easy because she will always push me?… uff
Then I started thinking more like- was I just born into a really important realization I never had because all of my crazy decisions have always come to fruition too easily? And also, those decisions never messed with the thought that “I may not pay my bills this month” which I have found haunting me since I quit bartending. So then a mantra I often hear Paula saying is that “come on Jessie, pain is change, pain is change”.
See, for me, pain has never really come from change in any area where I made the choice to change something- a haircut, a job change, move to a different city, change apartments, forcing myself to enjoy roller coasters was probably something I was terrified of my whole life that I forced myself to get over, and that was THREE years ago. So it’s about damned time I do something that makes me feel more terrified that that…. Then, I come to the realization that these are a cluster of compartments of things I must overcome bit by bit, and I will no longer feel that I am so confused. That’s when Paula’s mantra hit me and I have a “holy shit I need to really write this” moment.
I think I have been reborn (a new baby Jessie, lol) because all of a sudden I realize- I haven’t been growing- that’s why there was no pain or discomfort- I was doing simple things saying things like “I always manage to manifest all the small shit, when am I going to take the plunge and test myself with the challenge of creating something real from a vision I have seen in my mind so many times?” So, here I am. I hadn’t really stopped to think about it that way yet.
I was aware that this all needed to happen and I knew what to do- just kept waiting for the right “moment”- So last year, I went to LA and realized I needed to come up with a plan and execute it according to schedule, so I told myself I’d spend 7/2015-early this year getting more organized, better at budgeting, and get in shape- then I’d do it. Take the leap of faith and leave bartending and allow my work-outs to coincide with the reality I was creating….. Pushing myself and watching myself grow. So, here I am. It all fell into place. And now I am having a bitch fit of cranky outbursts against my discomfort and feeling like I need to plan the next clump of time- figure out the next few weeks.
So am I late, or are we always late? Was I supposed to have this realization a long time ago and that’s what was missing- this understanding or idea (because I’m not quite sure about it yet to say it’s a belief) that this is how life will always be, and that is how I will know I am always growing? By being physically, mentally & spiritually uncomfortable? Welp. Right now, this feels a little crazy. But that was the whole point of my mantra “grow and show”, so I am making my intentions bloom.